Things I’ll Do As A Dictator

One of the things that 2011 brought was  the number of dictators who were brought down, particularly in the Arab Spring.   Some left quickly, some left after a great deal of international pressure, and some only after their people rose up and fought.    It’s been something that has sent chills down the spines of many other dictators around the world.

Just in case my long-term plans to be an absolute dictator actually come into being, I thought I’d jot down my thoughts on what I’d do.

I will not be greedy.  A billion dollars taken out of the country is more than enough for anyone’s needs.  While I’m at it, I’ll make sure it’s spread around in various accounts, along with keeping an easily transported stash of negotiable bonds, diamonds, and cash handy at all times.

I will not export my “revolution” to other countries.  Not only do they take exception to it, they’ll try to do the same thing to me.   I’ll keep to my country, they can keep to theirs. That means no military adventurism.

I will not refer to, or think of, the people as my children.  If, in a moment of weakness, I do think of them that way, I will think of them as cranky teenagers, and act accordingly.

I will make sure that people are fed, and that there’s work for them.  This ensures they will be less likely to try to overthrow me.

I will not have secret prisons or torture my political opponents.  I will simply have them arrested and executed quickly and publicly.

I will wear casual clothing, or a suit and tie if it’s a formal occasion.  Under no circumstances will I wear a military uniform or some form of “traditional” garb.   Not only does it fail to impress anyone, it’s damn uncomfortable.  What’s the point of being a dictator if you can’t wear comfortable clothing?

Under no circumstances will I let my children, no matter how much I may love them, run any organization in the country.  That particularly means the one who is “a little strange.”

If I have relatives who want a job in my regime, it will be something that takes them out of the country.   There’s a lot of countries in this world, and I’ll need ambassadors for places like North Korea or Somalia.

I will not have large statues, paintings, or posters of myself placed everywhere  around the country.  Not only is the money better used to build my retirement fund,  I don’t want people reminded of what I look like in case I have to leave early.

I will not make long, rambling speeches on a daily basis that I force everyone to listen to.  One short speech a month is the limit, and only if I really have something to tell them.

I will keep a large, well-documented file of my underlings corruption and abuses of power.  I will not keep any records of mine.

I will allow opposition parties to form only when I have sufficient incriminating evidence on their leaders, and let them know that I have it.

I will set a retirement or abdication date early on, even if I don’t announce it.  I have no intention of dying in office, and I want to be able to enjoy a nice easy life of luxury without all the hassles of dealing with running a country in my old age.   While I’m at it, I’ll make sure that the person who succeeds me is an  idiot who will be  a complete failure.  That way my rule will be remembered fondly.



Filed under Humor

13 responses to “Things I’ll Do As A Dictator

  1. Mary Lynne

    A pragmatic dictator – I like it!

  2. overseasgranny

    Can you please make sure we have lots of bread every day? Then we never have to get into that cake, no-cake thing.

    • Sure. After all, hungry people get cranky, and tend to break things. Besides, they’ll need their strength. That toxic waste dump isn’t going to take care of itself, you know. 😉

      • overseasgranny

        Sorry about that dump, but I am on the pick off the cabbage worms detail for the foreseeable future. Byeeeee!

  3. tangles

    Norbrook, you are a treasure. Happy New Year!

  4. Vic78

    You made democracy sound 1000 times more appealing.


    • No sense of humor. 🙄

      • Vic78

        I’m just saying. You’re not my kind of dictator. I was thinking that you should average 3 to 5 kills a day(too many enemies). I’d be gearing up for the alien invasion that Regan used to babble about to the UN. I’ll also see to it that my sons grow up like Prince Akeem(ruler of Zamunda). As for my daughters, then her boyfriends might make my 3 to 5 average.

        You also didn’t say anything about your harem.

        • Vic78

          That was a joke. You know you have to start the kids out young. I’ll have HALO mandatory by first grade. It’ll have to be at least 2 hours a day. You know the aliens aren’t playing when they get here.

        • No, no, no. It’s much more effective, not to mention easier overall, to just execute the occasional malcontent. Provide food, and lots of work. As I said, those toxic waste dumps don’t take care of themselves. Not to mention the building projects, roads, dams, and mining projects. Modern machinery and safety standards are overrated. It’s cheaper that way, and keeps them occupied.

          I’m looking getting out and enjoying my retirement, which means no icky “International Criminal Court” proceedings. I’ll leave the brutality to my idiot successor, thank you.

  5. sjterrid

    Very funny Norbrook, hope you have a Happy and Healthy New Year.

  6. ♥ Norbrook! “Cranky teenagers?” When my children were that age I quickly learned why ferrets eat their young!

    Great diary and Oh noble Master, this format sucks! Please don’t hit me with a stale loaf of bread!

    • Thanks! Don’t worry, (or be very afraid 👿 ) this look disappears tomorrow morning and will be replaced by Mystique. After that, I’ll make a decision as to which I’m going to use. Heck, I may even throw up a post with a poll on it to see what people think. 😀